1. You’ll never have a spare weekend.
Get a Land Rover and you’re joining a worldwide network of enthusiasts, with a bewildering number of clubs and events to keep you busy. Your diary will fill with greenlane outings, shows and club meets. You’ll start a list of 'Things To Do On The Land Rover', and you’ll never get to the bottom of it. And you’ll never get anything else done either.
2. You’ll have to go to work all winter.
While your colleagues with their puny hatchbacks are forced to spend the winter white-outs marooned in front of the telly, you won’t have their excuse – you’ll have to go to work. In fact, along the way you’ll be called to the rescue of an overly ambitious minibus that’s slewed into a ditch, so you’ll be late to the office as well. D'oh!
3. You’ll end up broke.
A Land Rover is a personal statement that’s begging to be customized. As you make it your own, adding to the billion-strong definitions of what the perfect Land Rover ‘should’ look like, countless purveyors of upgrades and accessories will convince you little-by-little to surrender your pension fund to them. And you won’t regret spending a penny of it.
4. All your previous holidays will seem rubbish.
Planes, hotels, hire cars… you won’t want to go through all that again. Why fly to Morocco when you can drive there, and traverse the Atlas mountains in the same family runabout that’s usually parked on your drive? Why save up for a hotel in Zurich when you could escape to the Alpine foothills and camp on your roof under the stars? Your travel ambitions will soar, but you’ll never have the resources to satisfy them.
5. You’ll become a bit peculiar.
Obscure part numbers will spring to mind more readily than your niece’s birthday; you’ll travel the length of the country to rummage through an old ice cream tub in the rain for a dirty widget (for which you’ll pay £1); mud and old EP90 will become ingrained in your scalp; and you’ll develop an peculiar array of blisters and scars as you acquaint yourself with angle grinders, rivet guns and torque wrenches. Gradually it’ll dawn on you… Land Rovers need looking after.
6. Oh, and good luck with your marriage…
Whether you’re or a bloke or a lass, you’ll immediately become more attractive once you own a Land Rover. Your significant other will have a tough time fending off your growing crowd of admirers, but you’ll spend so much time with your head rammed in a wheelarch, she’ll wonder why she bothers.